


Left Behind

by Self_Indulgent_TMNT



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Grieving, Moving On, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-31
Updated: 2017-08-31
Packaged: 2018-12-22 03:40:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11958942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Self_Indulgent_TMNT/pseuds/Self_Indulgent_TMNT
Summary: The battle is over. Kili is dead. And reader must work out what to do with the rest of their life, now that their future with Kili has been stolen from them.I don't believe I use any gender specific pronouns for reader, but I'm female so wrote it with that in mind and so can't guarantee I haven't accidentally slipped one in.





	Left Behind

**Author's Note:**

> I loved Kili literally from the moment I saw him in Unexpected Journey. He and Fili were my faves in the book and once I saw him on screen I was instantly besotted. It's been over two and a half years and I still haven't seen Battle of the Five armies a second time (my brother watched it next to me on a plane, I took my glasses off so I couldn't see his screen until it finished).
> 
> So yeah, his death broke me, even though I knew it was coming, I cried literally every day for months.  
> It was finally time for me to write something about it.

The battle was over, a terrible calm had befallen those that had survived. As with all battles of such a scale, too many had fallen, never to rise.  
The dragon was dead. The terrible pale orc was dead.  
The king was dead. His nephews were dead.  
What lay ahead was years of grief as the peoples present worked together to rebuild what had been and construct the world that those who had been lost had dreamed possible.  
The lonely mountain had been reclaimed, Erebor would echo with dwarfish life once again. The city would be great again, and its wealth could be better used now than it had been before, put towards creating a bustling city to rival its reputation of old.  
All of this was promised as the sun rose through the sky on this day, both terrible and glorious as it was. Eyes rose to the sky in hope, and sank to the ground in sorrow.  
But this future was not for you. The sun held no warmth as it lit your face, set in lines of stone. The joyous cries of victory sounded hollow and false in your ears. You identified more with the howling sobs of people who found those they loved dead. The pain from a hundred minor cuts and grazes all over your body felt good, as though your body was trying to find some kind of outlet for the pain you felt inside, a pain so great it threatened to overwhelm you entirely.  
The future you had hoped for had died with Kili.  
You had been foolish, had allowed yourself to hope in a way you had not done in years, and had been punished for it in the most painful way.  
You did not cry, though, for if you allowed but one tear you feared you would never be able to stop.

 

You sat in a healer’s tent, silent upon the edge of a makeshift bed as one of the healers rubbed something that stung into your cuts, removing the dirt and the dried blood, both yours and others, so that you would avoid infection and could live a long, healthy life. The thought disgusted you. You didn’t want a life without him.  
You told yourself that the watery sheen over your eyes was caused only by the stinging in your cuts.  
The healer apologised repeatedly for the pain the cleaning caused but you gave no indication you had even heard.  
You hated yourself. Why had you agreed to join this damned adventure? The wizard had insisted, said you needed to do something rather than drink yourself into an early grave. A talent with weapons such as yours couldn’t be wasted, he’d said. You had wanted that early grave then, had given up on the future after watching your whole family succumb to sickness and grief.  
But the wizard had convinced you. You wished he hadn’t.  
The company had become a new family for you. You had grown to love each one of them dearly. But Kili had been different. He had been bright and bubbly and enthusiastic and funny and you had fallen for him within days of meeting him.  
You almost hated him for that, for making you love him and making you hope.  
You couldn’t hate him, though. He had made you happy, so indescribably happy, and he had taught you to hope for a future in which you could always feel that way. Erebor had become a beacon of hope for you, the symbol of the life you’d never before believed you could have.  
But now…  
Now, the mountain meant nothing but pain and sorrow.

“I can’t stay here” you said finally. You hadn’t actually meant it to be heard by anyone, it was luck that Bilbo was near you at the time, otherwise your declaration might have gone completely unnoticed and you might have slipped away like a ghost.  
“Pardon?” he asked.  
You jumped, having been so deep in your grief that you hadn’t noticed him. You stared at him with cold, empty eyes.  
“I can’t stay here. It hurts too much. Everything I see reminds me of him, of what was and what wasn’t and what might have been and if I stay any longer it will tear me apart. I need to get out, now, before it’s too late”  
Bilbo said nothing for a long moment. He wasn’t about to offer any sympathy or comfort, that would only hurt you more and he knew it.  
“Where will you go?” he asked, finally.  
“I don’t know. A very large part of me wants to wander off into the wilderness and be consumed by my pain in solitude”  
“And the rest of you?”  
“The rest of me…” you paused, thinking, “the rest of me doesn’t want to be alone”  
An idea sparked inside the hobbit’s brain. “Come with me” he offered.  
“What?”  
“Come back to Hobbiton. It’s peaceful there, you can work in the garden and walk in the woods. It’s about as far removed from this environment as is possible. If you stand a chance of learning to live again anywhere, it’s there”  
You hesitated and he could see the spark of hope in your eyes. You pictured yourself in that world and it appealed to you.  
“Besides, I don’t know how I’ll cope going from this adventure back to that life, at least if you’re there I have someone who understands” Bilbo added. You looked into the face of your dear friend and nodded slightly.  
“Yes… yes I think I’d like that”

 

You didn’t go to the funeral. You couldn’t face the sympathy of everyone who knew what Kili meant to you. Instead, they let you in beforehand so that you could be alone with your grief.  
You kneeled by Thorin’s body, majestic and kingly even in now. Even dead as he was he would always be your king. “Long live the king” you whispered.  
You turned from him then and faced Fili, gently moving a strand of his hair into place. You pulled out a small knife from your belt. He had gifted it to you near the beginning of your journey. ‘A warrior can never have too many knives’ he had told you and you had laughed as he demonstrated just how many he was carrying. “Thank you, but I don’t think I’ll be needing this anymore” you said to him, slipping the knife into his belt.  
Finally, you made your way to Kili. He was pale and cold, but he looked peaceful. You took his hand in yours and trailed a finger over his cheek.  
“You deserved so much better” you whispered, barely forcing the words out as you lost the battle against tears that you been fighting ever since you’d found out. “You deserved a long, happy life. I wanted to be a part of that life, and while I can no longer live it with you, I will live every day for you. Every moment I am alive is a tribute to you. I love you, and one day, when I have lived through long years without you, I will join you again in the Halls of Mandos”  
You stooped and placed a gentle kiss on his cold lips, allowing silent tears to drip onto his cheeks.  
“Until we meet again” you said, letting go of his hand and walking away.

You gathered the remainder of the company after the funeral so that you may spend one last evening together. As one you toasted those who had fallen and then, when the toast had fallen silent, you spoke up.  
“I will not be staying in Erebor”  
None of the company appeared particularly surprised, it was understandable that you would not wish to stay. The only thing that had held you to that place was now dead.  
“Are you returning to that tavern Gandalf found you in?” Dwalin asked but you shook your head.  
“I could not return to how I was even if I wanted to. I have sworn to live as long a life as I can, in tribute to those who did not get the chance”  
This declaration was met with nods of approval. “In that case, where will you go?” Balin asked.  
“Bilbo has offered me a place with him. I intend to spend long years nurturing plants, walking in the woods and seeking to find the love of life that his people seem so abundant in and, hopefully, I may heal a little along the way”  
“That doesn’t sound so bad” Bofur remarked.  
“No, indeed I believe Bilbo has talked about it so much since we met him that I’m quite converted to the idea of a quiet life”

 

You soon left Erebor behind, saying goodbye as Bilbo did and taking to the road again with him and Gandalf. It felt good, walking away from that cursed place, being out in the open. You weren’t meant to be trapped inside a mountain, not after so many moths on the road. Gandalf left you at the Shire and you went on, just the 2 of you.

It didn’t take long to reach Hobbiton. You crested a small hill and found yourself faced with a place you had last seen what felt like a lifetime ago. The sun shone down, a gentle breeze rustled the grass and the trees and you could hear the sounds of children laughing. It was a world away from Erebor.  
You wanted to cry, to break down right there and sob. This was your new life, a future so different to the one that had been stolen from you that it hurt to think about. But you didn’t, instead you just stood there and breathed in the clean air.  
Yes, this was the place you needed to be. If you could heal anywhere, it was here.  
As you stared at the scene, you felt Bilbo’s hand in yours.  
“Are you ok?” he asked. You turned to look at him, a thin veil of tears in your eyes.  
“No. But I think I will be”


End file.
